Friday, August 19, 2016

Complaining about the internet on the internet

Hey anyone-who-happens-to-read-this,
May you all be enjoying the end of what's been an eventful summer - at times, quite unfortunately so.

I'm moving out west soon to start an MFA in Film Directing at UCLA. I actually applied to MFA programs in the autumn of last year, before I had moved out of NY. I found out that I got into UCLA's this past June, and am quite thrilled, as it was my first choice. But I'm also very nervous about the workload - so please send me good vibes/wishes/prayers! Really.

Maybe at some point I'll write/blog more for public viewing about my thoughts on this year and moving around, starting over, turning 30, etc.

I will say this - this summer was quite alright for me socially and personally, and family-wise (somehow), but mentally, the news took a drastic toll on me - and maybe it did for you too. I found myself loathing the internet and social media, especially with my own personal over-consumption and over-use of it. I know I can't always tune out the news - especially considering all of the various identities/markers I have - but I/we cannot be bombarded everyday with awful stuff happening domestically and abroad, without going at least a little bit haywire. And so my wonderful friend Saleha in Lahore, reminded me in a whatsapp voice message, that God has created balance in the world. That yes, there are awful things and events that always happen, but that it's crucial for us to see the beauty and good that our Creator has also put in this world for us to see. So I'm following that more, I hope, by deactivating all of my social media accounts, and as a result I hope to reduce my online time and screen time, and to be more present with myself and with  the world in front of me, rather than always getting dragged down by the news.

I also want to challenge my own narcissism by doing this . Instead of posting about what I'm doing or seeing, or maybe even making, which I've been doing a lot lately - I want to be offline from my accounts for a while, and practice being patient. To just hold onto these memories and moments for myself first, before sharing with others. After all, I have 1000s of photos (as some friends and family like to remind me every now and then) that no one else has ever seen, and probably never will, let's be honest. And so now, just because my phone has a decent camera and I can upload and share from my phone right away, doesn't mean that I should. I want to practice challenging my own narcissism/ego/nafs, to practice being patient and to work on the material and photos I already have (as my friend Sidra kindly suggested), and to just be more plugged out in general.

No, I'm not depressed. Alhumdulillah, I feel pretty alright. My anxiety issues aren't depressive. I also don't think my frustration at my online habits stem from my anxiety either actually. I just want to make better use of my time, especially as I know that I'm going to have to work harder than I ever have I suppose this is one way of me gearing up for that.

I'll eventually return to the social media world, when I feel like I have something worthy to share/showcase.


migrant life

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last