I have really been dragging my feet on writing about my drive out of NY. It's been over two weeks and now I'm writing and posting this from Utah. I really wanted to write this on the first night of my drive, but I was just too exhausted in all sorts of ways. Same thing the next day. I clearly have been writing, but I've really procrastinated on this.
It was a very long and emotional drive. My last full day in New York was NYE. Local friends really pulled through for me, and then at night I went out. I never care about NYE, but since it was my last night and it happened to be New Year's Eve, I went and danced around, ironically with Michigan girls.
The morning of my departure I got the rental car, or really, a minivan, and Hassan came over to help me load it. Man writing this feels weird! The images of my last minutes in Astoria are in my head. I officially got going around just after 12:30pm. I took the Queensboro bridge and wound my way through Manhattan. "I Know There's Gonna be (Good Times)" by Jamie XX happened to come on as I drove down 9th Ave.
I went to Pittsburgh first. I knew I didn't wanna do everything in one day, getting the car, loading it, driving 10+ hours to Detroit, so I split up my drive into two days. Pittsburgh was slightly out of the way but I wanted to stay in a decent place in a "big" city, not some little motel off the side of the road. I was doing mostly alright while driving; on both days I sang my heart out to my CDs, and didn't think once of what the other drivers might think. There were so many emotions running through my head. I knew leaving would be hard but I didn't think it was gonna be this damn hard. I was thinking about missing NY, missing truly amazing people that I've gotten to know, and this other thing too, and it was all making me quite sad.
Cue "So the Story Goes" by Ash. I wasn't even really paying attention to the lyrics, but just that whole album by Ash is quite good and emotive, and so the last tune made the tears come out. It was night, I was about to reach Pittsburgh, and I was sobbing. I gotta say though, the Pittsburgh bridges at night are quite a nice sight.
At Holiday Inn Express, I did what I sometimes do when I'm down; I phoned up some people and had a couple of chats. I still felt quite melancholy. It was a classic case of not knowing what you have, until it's gone. I knew I needed music and sleep, so that's what I did.
Waking up in Pittsburgh though, was a hidden blessing, and I knew that right away. I took my time in heading out, and drove around downtown and got lost on purpose. It seems like a really interesting city, I'd love to go back and take a whole bunch of photos, and visit the Justseeds Collective. Hanging out in Pittsburgh made me feel a bit better about leaving NY, as I realized, there's more to explore in this country than just NYC. I already felt that just a couple hours after leaving NY in the previous day, when had I stopped to get petrol somewhere in Pennsylvania, because immediately, the people were completely different. And as I drove around Pittsburgh and took note of its photogenic bridges, rivers, buildings, I knew that these transitional months might be an opportunity for me to explore more of the country. Coz when you're in NY, you're in a bubble, and I at least, tended to forget about the rest America and how different it is.
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| Pittsburgh by car |
Ok course by the time I reached Michigan, I was crying again. Weezer's Blue album was playing, and the last track came on, an 8-minute epic. Again, I wasn't even paying attention to the lyrics, I was just so full of anxiety, that I cried and shouted through the whole song. I reached my parents' street, and instead drove around the block rather than pulling up, and paused for a few minutes. I phoned big F and he told me to just go in.
Going "home" and seeing my parents was fine of course. Though I definitely was crazed and loopy that night and the next day. I think I noticed this when I belted out all of "Bohemian Rhapsody" to my Mum, and she just looked on in confused amusement. I can be goofy around her, no worries, but this was on another level. I think after that though I calmed down a bit :-D
I was only in Michigan for about 12 days before I left for Utah. Those days were good, my Mum definitely took care of me, and I started to get into some sort of routine. Definitely for the first few days I felt like I was out in the country. The biggest change really is having to drive around everywhere; I have to drive even just to do things like go to the library, to the shop, etc. I definitely miss public transport, though driving can be convenient at times.
Even though I was quite sad at leaving New York, I knew it was necessary and that it'd be good for me, and it has been so far. Already in recent weeks, including my last weeks in NY, I had been feeling more creative, and so much less stressed out. I shot photos of the city in black and white, which allowed me to look at New York in a different and exciting way, and it was pretty fun. I also developed a new tag and all of sorts of ideas for DIY stuff I wanna make. Filmmaking is definitely always the goal, it just takes so long to make a film, so I need to do stuff with my hands that's more immediate and less digital. Alongside all of this, I've been wanting to change my personal aesthetic. After uni I changed my look up quite a bit. Now I'm changing it again. I want more of a rock/punk/artist look. So I'm stereotypically wearing more black/painting my clothes/changing my jewelry/(re)dying my hair. Yes, a couple of friends have already made fun of me :-) But whatever, I'm doing this because I want the outside to match what's inside.
In those few days I was in MI, before I had to head out, I did get to visit my old stomping grounds of the Dearborn area, where I went to middle school and high school. I met up with a lovely old friend, Ali, whom I hadn't seen in about 5 years. When I lived in the area I felt like an insider/outsider. Now though, returning after quite some time (my parents moved out of Dearborn Heights to another suburb, when I was in college, so I'm not in Dearborn much anymore), I felt like an outsider. I was looking at things with new eyes again, and it unnerved me a bit, but I think its ok. I know I don't really fit in anywhere. The one place that felt more like home to me, I've left, for now at least. Let's see where things end up.
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| Ali |
Here's a playlist I made that features some of the tunes I listened to during my drive, including the ones mentioned above:
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